You鈥檝e probably heard the phrase 鈥渂reaking up is hard to do.鈥� That鈥檚 because it is. Ending a relationship and being honest with someone about your feelings is rarely easy, but it鈥檚 a necessary part of life that every person goes through at some point. One thing that can make it easier when it鈥檚 time to break up is thinking carefully about the exact words you plan to use.
Breakups are often sad, but that doesn鈥檛 mean they have to be unkind, hurtful, or tense. They also don鈥檛 need to be so cordial and kind that your soon-to-be ex is left wondering, 鈥淎re you breaking up with me?鈥�
There are a lot of words and phrases you can use that let someone know they鈥檙e valued and respected by you, but the romance part of your relationship has definitely fizzled out. If you鈥檙e looking for the right way to say 鈥渋t鈥檚 over鈥� without any drama or confusion, here are eight of the best breakup words to use and five you should skip.
The best breakup words to use
1. different
Often, breakups occur because of differences. Maybe you have different ideas about your long-term future or different priorities in your current life. Different means 鈥渘ot alike in quality or character, distinct in nature, dissimilar.鈥� It鈥檚 a present participle of the Latin differre, meaning 鈥渢o scatter, disperse.鈥� Differences don鈥檛 always have to cause you to disperse, but if they鈥檙e too great to overcome, you might say:
- We鈥檙e going in different directions.
- We want different things out of life, and it鈥檚 important for us both to find partners who support that.
- We have different priorities, and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e a good long-term match.
2. value
No two people are exactly alike, but shared values are important in a successful relationship. In a personal relationship, value refers to ethics and your ideals and customs. Maybe you and your partner have drastically different political views or differ greatly on your ideas about home and family. Differing values aren鈥檛 always insurmountable, but it鈥檚 important to be honest when they cause issues that can鈥檛 be fixed. Here鈥檚 what to say:
- Our values don鈥檛 align, and the difference is too big to overcome.
- I think our different values will lead to unhappiness, and neither of us deserves that.
- I respect your values, but I also know that I need something different from a partner.
3. future
Sometimes a relationship is good in the short term, but isn鈥檛 the right situation to carry forth into the future. That future may be a month from now or what you imagine will happen in several years. Future simply means 鈥渟omething that will happen in time to come,鈥� and it鈥檚 an important consideration when choosing a partner. You might say:
- We want different things for our future.
- I鈥檝e enjoyed the time we鈥檝e spent together, but I don鈥檛 see a future for us as a couple.
- I don鈥檛 think this relationship aligns with our future goals.
4. long-term
Not every relationship or romantic connection is meant to go the distance. If you鈥檙e casually dating, you might run into situations where you have to tell someone you don鈥檛 feel the connection will last long term. In those instances, polite honesty is the best course of action.
- It鈥檚 been wonderful getting to know you, but I鈥檓 not interested in a long-term relationship.
- You鈥檙e a lovely person, but I don鈥檛 think we have the spark to stay together long term.
- Our long-term goals aren鈥檛 the same, and I think we should go our separate ways.
5. intimacy
Intimacy is sometimes used as a sort of code word for a physical relationship, but that鈥檚 not all it means. Intimacy is 鈥渁 close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.鈥� And when it鈥檚 lacking or developing way too fast, that can be a red flag for a relationship. If intimacy is a driving force for you in wanting to end a relationship, you might say something like:
- I鈥檓 just not ready for this level of intimacy.
- I feel our relationship is lacking the kind of intimacy it needs to continue.
- I need a certain level of intimacy from a partner, and I don鈥檛 feel that in this relationship.
6. respect
It may not seem like it, but breakups have a lot to do with respect. Respect means 鈥渆steem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person.鈥� Even though ending a relationship can feel sad and disappointing, it鈥檚 ultimately an act of respecting your own needs and the needs of the other person enough to know that you both deserve to be in a better situation.
- I respect you enough to be honest with you, so I need to let you know this relationship isn鈥檛 working for me.
- I respect the time we鈥檝e both put into making this relationship work, but I think it鈥檚 time for us to move on.
7. happy
Breakups aren鈥檛 typically a happy occasion, but they are rooted in each person鈥檚 desire to ultimately find happiness. Often, when a relationship ends, it鈥檚 because one or both people understand that their current partnership isn鈥檛 contributing to their overall happiness or well-being. When you care about someone, their happiness matters as much as your own, so you might say:
- We both deserve a chance to find happiness.
- We aren鈥檛 happy right now, and I care enough about you to want both of us to find what makes us happy.
- The compromises we鈥檙e making aren鈥檛 keeping either of us happy, and I think it鈥檚 time for us to move on.
8. difficult
Difficult means 鈥嬧�嬧�漬ot easily or readily done; requiring much labor, skill, or planning to be performed successfully; hard.鈥� Relationships may go through hard times, but it鈥檚 not uncommon for them to end if being with someone day-to-day feels consistently difficult. Try a phrase like one of these:
- At this point in our relationship, it shouldn鈥檛 be this difficult to find a compromise.
- It鈥檚 too difficult for us to get on the same page, and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e a good long-term match.
- We have more difficulties than successes, and I think that鈥檚 a sign this isn鈥檛 working.
Breakup words to avoid
1. settle
No matter how it鈥檚 used, the word settle has the potential to be hurtful in a breakup speech. The common breakup phrase 鈥淚鈥檓 just not ready to settle down鈥� can end up sounding like an insincere clich茅.
Settle can also imply resigned satisfaction, rather than true happiness, as in, 鈥淚鈥檓 just settling for you鈥� or 鈥淚 feel like I鈥檇 just be settling in this relationship.鈥� No one wants to feel like they are the inferior choice as a relationship partner. Even if you feel like your soon-to-be ex is not your ideal match, it鈥檚 important to be kind.
2. better
Comparison words, like better, are a surefire way to introduce conflict in a breakup. Better means 鈥渙f superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, etc.; preferable.鈥� Whether you鈥檙e saying you deserve better or you want to find someone better, this word has the potential to be unnecessarily hurtful. And, really, the last thing any breakup needs is more heartache.
3. should
If you鈥檙e splitting up, don鈥檛 dwell on things you wish your partner had done differently. Should means 鈥渕ust; ought to鈥� and is generally used to talk about things we want to change. You may have plenty you wish to change about your ex-flame, but they don鈥檛 need a laundry list of things they should have done better or differently to make you happy. That鈥檚 likely to turn a dignified breakup into one full of drama and arguing. Instead, focus on the good times you had together and try to move on with grace and respect for one another.
4. always/never
A lot of relationship counselors will tell you to avoid always or never statements, such as, 鈥淵ou always do this鈥� or 鈥淵ou never do that.鈥� That鈥檚 because these sorts of statements are often exaggerations and can cause people to immediately go on the defensive.
Always means 鈥渆very time; on every occasion; without exception.鈥� Never means 鈥渘ot ever, not at any time.鈥� We all make mistakes in relationships, but chances are neither of you literally always or never did certain things. For a more peaceful end to your union, shift away from words like these that imply judgment and blame.
5. friends
It might be tempting to say something like, 鈥淚 think we鈥檙e better off as friends鈥� or 鈥淚 hope we stay friends.鈥�
Those statements are fine if you really mean them, but if you don鈥檛 intend to continue a friendship with your ex, it鈥檚 better to leave the word friend unsaid. Remember, a friend is 鈥渁 person attached by feeling or personal regard.鈥� If your goal is to sever all ties, don鈥檛 try to soften the blow by promising a friendship you don鈥檛 intend to deliver on.
