From Fartistes to Chicken Sexers: The Strangest Jobs You Could Have

Belly Builder

Food lovers might call themselves belly builders, but this term refers to the person who builds the main cavity, or belly, of a piano. Before being applied to the piano in this sense, the word belly was used as an unofficial term for the curved part of a violin. The piano鈥檚 belly is technically called the soundboard; a belly builder engages in 鈥渂ellying鈥� or outfitting the soundboard with everything needed in the piano鈥檚 interior, like the bridge that guides all the piano strings.

Apologizer

Some industries are transforming the verb apologize into a legit line of work. By adding the -r at the end, these industries鈥攍ike Southwest Airlines, operating in one of the most apologize-worthy businesses out there鈥攈ave created a whole new profession: gainful employment saying sorry to customers for perceived wrongdoings.

Abecedarian

Next to tap the water cooler鈥攐r the old schoolyard well鈥攊s the abecedarian, whose name looks impossible to pronounce. This is oddly unfortunate given that such individuals were responsible for teaching children their ABCs in the 1800s. Such a monumental task is urgent, not unusual, but it鈥檚 odd that the word teacher couldn鈥檛 suffice. We now use this term for someone who is learning the alphabet, not teaching it.

Ale-Conner

Now to the ale cooler! Since the 1300s, ale-conners were officials who went from tavern to tavern tasting ales to ensure they were fit to drink and sell. The job was taken very seriously, as the other lofty Latinate title, 鈥淕ustator Cervisiae,鈥� (鈥渢aster of beer鈥�) clearly shows. Conner聽comes from the Old English cunnere for 鈥渋nspector鈥� or 鈥渆xaminer.鈥�

Back Washer

In the reality of days gone by, back washers were laborers in wool manufacturing plants. They scoured wool with soap and water to remove impurities. The origin of the term is unknown, but maybe the washing took place in the back of the factory? Now the process is automated. Automatic backwashers sound like retrofuture shower gadgets from the Jetsons.

Chicken Sexer

There鈥檚 absolutely no need for your brain to slip into defilement when it comes to figuring out how chicken sexers occupy their time. These folks simply determine the biological sex of baby chicks. Apparently, the most reliable chicken sexing method is to 鈥済ently squeeze the poop out of the chick鈥� so that the sexer can see the reproductive organs. The more we write about this, the less we want to know, so let鈥檚 move on.

Cuddler

Being a certified cuddler, as in 鈥渙ne who has received platonic cuddle training,鈥� is little perplexing. Drawing clear solid lines is crucial鈥ut is it possible? Look up the definition of cuddle, and you鈥檒l find that, in addition to 鈥渉old close鈥� and 鈥渉ug tenderly,鈥� there鈥檚 also 鈥渇ondle.鈥� Fondling and caressing can be platonic, but these words have been too often used in steamy romance novels that the lines are uncomfortably blurred. Despite our reservations, a cuddler鈥檚 job entails only 聽nonsexual snuggling, conversation, and massage. Cuddlers even go on 鈥榝riend dates.鈥� Just as long as it doesn鈥檛 turn into a paid friend-with-benefits situation. There鈥檚 another word for that.

Face Feeler

This is yet another example of a professional term derived from doing just what it sounds like: feeling faces. Also known as 鈥渟ensory scientists,鈥� face feelers are hired to test the effectiveness of personal care items like lotions, cleansers, serums, and razors. They undergo a three-month training process, after which they can, for example, tactilely measure the slipperiness or drag of a particular lotion on the face. In describing the screening process to become a face feeler, Judy Heylmun鈥攚ho鈥檚 been feeling faces for 35 years鈥攕ays it involves questions like 鈥淒o you have hands?鈥� But she鈥檚 probably just being facetious.

Fart-Smell Reducer

Le P茅tomane鈥檚 audiences could have benefited from such an individual, responsible for Febreezing the auditorium between shows. But that鈥檚 not exactly what this laborer does; in fact, the title is incomplete. The full effect comes with a whopping sextuple string of nouns: . Oh, and how. Professional titles build and become more creative as needs are identified. Noun strings get bloated quickly, but this series works together to index a highly unusual, but apparently worthwhile, product and the person who makes it. Yes, walk into your local corporate big box store and you might just find 鈥溾€� The flatulence smell reduction underwear insert maker (whew!) engineers these pantaloon pads by harnessing the power of carbon to tame insane methane.

Groom of the Stool

In the early days of the English monarchy, the Groom of the Stool was the most important groom, or 鈥渕ale servant,鈥� ever allowed near King Henry VIII鈥檚 private quarters鈥攈is hind quarters to be exact. The groom was responsible for analyzing the king鈥檚 bowel movements and bearing the royal portable toilet, or 鈥渃lose stool.鈥� The irony of bearing the stool (both 鈥渢oilet鈥� and 鈥減oop鈥�) isn鈥檛 lost on us today. We wonder if the groom had to cleanse the royal rump and other noble nether regions as well. The king鈥檚 poop may have stunk, but the job didn鈥檛. The Groom of the Stool was one of the most powerful figures in the king鈥檚 retinue because so intimate a relationship meant being privy (heehee) to the king鈥檚 secrets.

Paint Drying Watcher

With the help of a triple noun string, a paint drying watcher, does exactly that. A little more is involved, though, as one would imagine (really?). This employee paints material and times how long the paint takes to dry. Painting subway stations, for example, requires a paint with a fast enough dry time so passengers can make a safe dash. Watching paint dry relates to the idiomatic expression of what horribly dull thing you鈥檇 rather do than the thing in question you think is worse: 鈥淚鈥檇 rather watch paint dry than visit the pine needle museum.鈥� Well, if you did watch paint dry, you鈥檇 still be bored out of your gourd, but you could be making some money to paint to the town with later.

Antigropelos Maker

To some, the antigropelos maker is not an anti-groping device creator, though that should probably exist, too. (Would it be a spring-loaded iron fist? Invisible force-field activated on subways?). Intriguing, but this craftsman is one who made waterproof leggings in the 1800s (and probably well before). The word antigropelos likely comes from an irregular Greek hybrid of anti- (鈥渁驳补颈苍蝉迟鈥�), 丑测驳谤贸蝉 (鈥渨et鈥�), and 辫脓濒贸蝉 (鈥渕ud鈥�). Leggings were introduced in Scotland in the 1300s and were only worn by men until the 1800s. Guys must鈥檝e been getting in a lot of sticky situations to warrant an entire antigropelos legging industry. Search for leggings on Dictionary.com and you鈥檒l find our first definition still connects to the idea of antigropelos: leggings are coverings from ankle to knee worn by soldiers and riders. The athleisure version is second.

Fartiste

Le P茅tomane was the Willy Wonka of farting. In the late 1800s, Joseph Pujol, a renowned fartiste, performed under the French name meaning 鈥淭he Fartomaniac.鈥� The word fartiste is a humorous English-French hybrid of fart and artiste. Due to the sheer oddity of this profession, we don鈥檛 recognize the term. Another playful name people used was flatulist, (yes, that’s a play on the word聽flatulence). In his day, the famous farteur became the highest paid performer in France, astounding audiences with his ability to toot an endless variety of fart sounds. His famous anus could also “inhale” and eject water. Thomas Edison recorded a performance, but it鈥檚 been lost in the anals鈥攁nnals!鈥攐f history.

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